The Long John Index Service of Canada

Keeping Canadians Warm and Entertained since Mid to late October

Long Johns

The Long Range Forecasto-Tron Reports: DECEMBER 2012

Long John IndexComment

Good News Canada! We've repaired the Long Range Forecasto-tron right on schedule, which is pretty impressive, what with being a government agency and all ( we technically shouldn't have fixed the Long Range Forecasto-tron until at least February...2016). In any case, we've powered up the fuel rods, greased the dot matrix print wheels, and have gone through piles and piles of weather related predictions for the next month! 

December 1, 2012 - After enjoying the temperature climb and fall from +8 to -12 for the last 3 weeks, Residents of Lethbridge vote to ban winter altogether. Lethbridge is subsequently sold to British Columbia, for 200 tonnes of granola and parts of Fernie.

December 3, 2012 - Researches at the University of Saskatchewan conclude a 75 year study proves that Saskatoon is indeed always colder than Regina. Frat boys at the University of Regina conclude that Saskatoon is 'whack'.

December 4, 2012 - The temperature in Quebec City plummets from -3 to -23 in just under 5.5 hours. Neighborhood childen open 'Long John' stands and walk away with Billions.

December 8th, 2012 - Feeling left out, Vancouver experiences a Long John Index of 1. Frozen Vancouverites suddenly realize that no other canadians have to put up with Earthquakes, so they ditch sub zero temperatures and go back to enjoying +4

December 10th, 2012 - The Temperature hits - 30, evoking the 30/90 rule, wherein at -30, 90% of the population vows to move away from Edmonton.

December 12, 2012 - 8 cm of snow hits Toronto. The ensuing snowball fight at a Weather television broadcasting network leaves dozens frozen, and sends 3 Meteorologists to hospital with ice chips in their gums.

December 15, 2012 - Winnipeg is completely buried by 38 inches of snow. The city continues to survive and thrive in their new underground snow cavern, decalaring a new country called ' Manitsnowba'

December 18, 2012 - Despite still not dipping past a Long John Index of 1, Newfoundlanders continue to phone friends and family on the Prairies, telling them -27 isn't quite so bad as it is a 'dry cold'.

December 20, 2012 - Ottawa hits a Long John Index of 2, as MP's debate the startling lack of pom poms atop toques across the nation.

December 21, 2012 - Winter begins. Canadians roll their eyes.

December 22, 2012 - Angry Charlottetowners scrape ice covered windows, grumbling at goofy Mayan prophecies.

December 24, 2012 - Canadian children drift off to sleep, hoping Santa will bring them Christmas Long Johns....

December 25, 2012 - Festive Holiday in Canada, called ' Wear Long Johns around the house, regardless of whether relatives are coming over or not' day.

December 27, 2012 - A ridge of high pressure hits Red Deer, bringing the temperature to +8. Unfortunately a Ridge of Low pressure squashes the Ridge of high pressure, causing the temperature to drop 48 degrees. 

December 29, 2012 - 34 cm of snow drops on Laval. The 2013 Football season begins with much shovelling.

December 31, 2012 - Interns at the Long John Index clean off all the chocolate wrappers and manadarin orange peels off the Long Range Forecasto-tron, as it takes a look at THE FUTURE: 2013



Canada Wide Forecast - November 25, 2011

Long John IndexComment

Continuing mild temperatures today mean Canadians won't have much use for Long Johns, unless you live in a) the North or b) Edmonton, which may or may not be the same thing. Still a bit of snow for St. John's, but considering all the snow they've had this week, the POLAR BEARS should be very tired and very full. 

Vancouver, Calgary, Kamlooped, Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose, Winterpeg, Thunder(Danger) Bay, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City, Halifax, Truro, Fredericton, Charlottetown - NA
Edmonton, Banff, Grande Prairie, Goose Bay - 1
Iqaluit - 4
Whitehorse, Inuvik - 3
Yellowknife - 1
Alert, Top of Canada - 3 

Canada Wide Forecast - November 17, 2011

Long John IndexComment

Everybody between Hinton Alberta, to Lloydminster Saskatchewan is under a Winter Storm Morning! Lots and Lots of snow and wind and all that other fun stuff today. Saskatchewan is still freezing like crazy, and Winnipeg FINALLY showing some signs of winter. Rainy on the East AND West Coasts Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go prep our Dog Sleds!

Your Canada Wide Forecast

Vancouver, Kamlooped, Calgary - NA
Edmonton, Grande Prairie - 2
Fort McMurray Nfld, Saskatoon - 3
Regina - 2
Winnipeg - 2
Thunder (Danger) Bay - 1
Sudbury, Windzor, Centre of the Universe (Toronto), Montreal, Quebec City, Fredericton, Truro, Charlottetown, Halfax, St. John's - NA
Iqaluit - 1
Whitehorse, Inuvik - 3
Yellowknife - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 4

Happy Non Winter Holidays!

Long John Index2 Comments

Well friends, Spring/Summer is upon us, or at least, according to the Calendar (not according to the ground on the prairies). With Springy Summer, comes warmer temperatures, which means *sniff* people probably aren't going to be wearing Long Johns, which means most people probbbably won't be needing The Long John Index Service.

Of course you might think that all the staff are planning their Non Winters: and taking the weeks off to rest, golf, read trashy novels, and BBQ as many Hot Dogs as is legally allowed. YOU'D think that, but No!

As a $75 Billion Dollar a year department of the Canadian Government, We don't actually close the doors for the ENTIRE Non Wintery Season. There will still be much work behind the scenes, mostly reviews; Lots and Lots and Lots of Reviews. See the Long John Index is so busy Saving the Lives of Frost Bitten Canadians, that we need the summer to take a step back and review how things are done. We are planning ann overview of Long John Index, where we will review the effectiveness of the Index and its various widgets and permutations, and decide whether they can be improved. Maybe we'll start considering the Wind Chill when we do the Long John Index! Maybe it will be on a scale from 1-8 instead of 1-5! Maybe YOU, the informed Canadian, have some ideas, and maybe JUST Maybe, we'll even listen to them (Unlike those 'know it all' jerks at the UV Index, who think they're so big because they are listed in various weather news outlets).

In the mean time, The Long John Index will be on 'Standby Mode'. We'll definitely keep an eye on that grump Old Man Winter, and if something major happens within the next 4 months, we will do what we've always done: Alert Canadians in a clear and professional manner about what horrific danger they are in. Those will happen primarily over the Long John Index twitter feed, but if something really awesome happens, like Vancouver getting a Long John Index of 4, in JUNE, then not only will we post it here, but ambush the Weather Network and the CBC Weather Centre to report it.

The Long John Index WILL Return to full operation, in the fall of 2011. No time table is set, but once your legs start to get chilly, we'll be ready!

Have a great Non Wintery Season, and thanks to everyone for their support,

The Long John Index Service of Canada Staff

January 15, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

Long John IndexComment

If you live in Vancouver, don't talk to people in Winnipeg today.

Vancouver - NA
Kelowna - NA
Fort McMurray - 5
Edmonton, Calgary, Saskatoon, Regina, Biggar - 4
Winnipeg - 5
Churchill - 4
Thunder Bay - 3
Stratford, Peterborough - 2
Toronto, Sarnia - 1
Ottawa - 3
Montreal, Quebec City - 3
Halifax, Moncton, Charlottetown, St. Johns - 1
Whitehorse, Yellowknife - 5
Iqaluit - 3
Alert - 5