The Long John Index Service of Canada

Keeping Canadians Warm and Entertained since Mid to late October

The Glossary of Canadian Terms

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The Polar Bear Alert 

Polar Bear Alerts are issued during snowfall or blizzard conditions.  Polar Bears, who are nature's most devious and intelligent animals, use their white fur as camouflage, which allows them to sneak up on unsuspecting, Tim Hortons guzzling Canucks. 

The Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit

The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is the minimum temperature wherein "Toque Hair" becomes acceptable, BY LAW in any workplace in Canada. Once the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached, all citizens must be allowed perform his or her workplace duties, be they a teacher, judge, television news anchor, or politician, regardless of whether or not they suffer from "Toque Hair", and cannot be disciplined, reprimanded in any way shape or form.

The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is set by the provinces and territories and is as follows:

Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut -- Minus 25 Degrees Celsius
Western Ontario: Minus 17.5 Degrees Celsius
Southern Ontario: Minus 8 Degrees Celsius
Quebec:  Minus 20 Degrees Celsius
Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador: Minus 12 Degrees Celsius
British Columbia: Plus 2 Degrees Celsius

Employers who discipline or reprimand employees for hair related offenses when the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached can be charged under "Her Majesty's Criminal Code of the Dominion of Canada" and are subject to fines in excess of $300,000 and/or having their own individual touque privileges revoked.

Winter Memory Deprivation

Winter Memory Deprivation, is a condition wherein temperature drops, wind, snow and icey windshields cause short term memory loss amongst the general population, to the extent that when Winter conditions return the following year, they are genuinely surprised. Despite all scientific evidence that Winter has occurred in Canada on a fairly consistent basis for thousands and thousands and thousands of years, Winter Memory Deprivation causes Canadians to forget this fact, and typically express the following:

- Genuine surprise/dismay when the temperature begins to drop in September and October
- Actual Shock when it Snows in October/November
- Complete Flabbergastery when the temperature falls below Minus 20 degrees Celsius at any point between November and March
- Utter bewilderment when it snows in April.

To date, Winter Memory Deprivation has no treatment or remedy, other than posting memes or statements on social media.