The Long John Index Service of Canada

Keeping Canadians Warm and Entertained since Mid to late October

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Long Range Forecast-o-Tron: December 2013 PREDICTIONS

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The Long Range Forecast-O-Tron is back! Using sophisticated data analysis, predictive 3D 4D and 5D modelling, and consulting with various farmers at small town diners across the country, we predict what the weather will be like for Canada, in December 2013

December 1-7: Appears pretty fair across the country, and by fair, we mean a Long John Index of 2-3 for everything between Alberta and Timmins, and a 1 for everywhere else. For reasons not yet determined, Peterborough becomes Canada’s cold spot on December 5th, plunging to a Long John Index of 5, while it gets so warm in Ottawa the Prime Minister is spotted wearing shorts in the House of Commons.

 

December 8-15 - Canadians dreaming of a white christmas have their dreams answered 10 days early, as a huge snowfall blankets the country from Vancouver to St Johns. Believing the world is ending, many in the lower mainland flee to the mountains. Meanwhile, Winnipegers use the snow to their advantage and build a 200 story snow fort.

 

December 16-23 - Drycleaning bills in Calgary skyrocket as a chinook passes through, turning everything to slush, and runing everyones pants. Edmonton also experiences a chinook, only in Edmonton, Chinooks are called ‘e-Nooks’ and they make things colder and not warmer.


December 24-31 - Lovely holiday weather! Soft Magestic snowfalls provide the postcard industry with enough photos for 18 years, and PEI has it’s annual ‘Anne of Green Gables Charity Toboggan races’. Across the country, Canadians gather outside for festive new years celebrations, mumble “Auld Lang Syne” through frozen lips, then complain they are freezing while waiting for overcrowded busses to take them to the closest Timmies.

 

The Long Range Forecasto-Tron Reports: DECEMBER 2012

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Good News Canada! We've repaired the Long Range Forecasto-tron right on schedule, which is pretty impressive, what with being a government agency and all ( we technically shouldn't have fixed the Long Range Forecasto-tron until at least February...2016). In any case, we've powered up the fuel rods, greased the dot matrix print wheels, and have gone through piles and piles of weather related predictions for the next month! 

December 1, 2012 - After enjoying the temperature climb and fall from +8 to -12 for the last 3 weeks, Residents of Lethbridge vote to ban winter altogether. Lethbridge is subsequently sold to British Columbia, for 200 tonnes of granola and parts of Fernie.

December 3, 2012 - Researches at the University of Saskatchewan conclude a 75 year study proves that Saskatoon is indeed always colder than Regina. Frat boys at the University of Regina conclude that Saskatoon is 'whack'.

December 4, 2012 - The temperature in Quebec City plummets from -3 to -23 in just under 5.5 hours. Neighborhood childen open 'Long John' stands and walk away with Billions.

December 8th, 2012 - Feeling left out, Vancouver experiences a Long John Index of 1. Frozen Vancouverites suddenly realize that no other canadians have to put up with Earthquakes, so they ditch sub zero temperatures and go back to enjoying +4

December 10th, 2012 - The Temperature hits - 30, evoking the 30/90 rule, wherein at -30, 90% of the population vows to move away from Edmonton.

December 12, 2012 - 8 cm of snow hits Toronto. The ensuing snowball fight at a Weather television broadcasting network leaves dozens frozen, and sends 3 Meteorologists to hospital with ice chips in their gums.

December 15, 2012 - Winnipeg is completely buried by 38 inches of snow. The city continues to survive and thrive in their new underground snow cavern, decalaring a new country called ' Manitsnowba'

December 18, 2012 - Despite still not dipping past a Long John Index of 1, Newfoundlanders continue to phone friends and family on the Prairies, telling them -27 isn't quite so bad as it is a 'dry cold'.

December 20, 2012 - Ottawa hits a Long John Index of 2, as MP's debate the startling lack of pom poms atop toques across the nation.

December 21, 2012 - Winter begins. Canadians roll their eyes.

December 22, 2012 - Angry Charlottetowners scrape ice covered windows, grumbling at goofy Mayan prophecies.

December 24, 2012 - Canadian children drift off to sleep, hoping Santa will bring them Christmas Long Johns....

December 25, 2012 - Festive Holiday in Canada, called ' Wear Long Johns around the house, regardless of whether relatives are coming over or not' day.

December 27, 2012 - A ridge of high pressure hits Red Deer, bringing the temperature to +8. Unfortunately a Ridge of Low pressure squashes the Ridge of high pressure, causing the temperature to drop 48 degrees. 

December 29, 2012 - 34 cm of snow drops on Laval. The 2013 Football season begins with much shovelling.

December 31, 2012 - Interns at the Long John Index clean off all the chocolate wrappers and manadarin orange peels off the Long Range Forecasto-tron, as it takes a look at THE FUTURE: 2013