The Long John Index Service of Canada

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Long John Index

Canada Wide Forecast - December 11, 2012

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Lots of crazy weather happening across the Dominion today; much of it in Alberta! For Example, Fort McMurray will barely sneak past -20 degrees, while Grande Prairie will be +3 all day. Pretty Fair in Edmonton and Calgary, while it's nice and cold in Saskatchewan and Manitoba! Its even a little chilly in Ontario and Quebec, as the Long John Index hits a 1. Nothing beats the variety in the North: as the Long John Index Scale runs from a 3 in Whitehorse to a 5 in Yellowknife!

Vancouver, Kamloops - NA
Edmonton, Red Deer - 1
Calgary, Grande Prairie - NA
Fort McMurray, Saskatoon, Regina - 3
Winnipeg - 4
Thunder Bay - 1
Sudbury - 3
Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City - 1
St. John's, Fredericton, Halifax, Charlottetown - NA
Iqaluit - 4
Whitehorse - 3
Yellowknife, Inuvik - 5
Alert, Top of Canada - 4 

Behold the Long Range Forecasto-tron

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Original Photo by't it be great if instead of checking the weather minute by minute, hour by hour, we could know what the forecast is say, almost a month in adanvce? Probably not, because we've all developed Smartphone ADD. But it would still be interesting would it not? Thats why, we here at the Long John Index have been analyzing weather patterns, crunching lines of computer code, eating salty snacks, and have developed Canada's first truly non scientific whats-so-ever " No Corporate Sponsor Name Yet One Month Long Range Forecasto-tron"

Now, some disclaimers: To be fair, its not for the entire month, as we are already 3 days into November. Also, we weren't able to get every city and every day of the month, before we blew 17 power relays, and did unthinkable damage to Edmonton's electrical grid (our bad!). However we were able to save some data. So get out your smartphones ( as if they aren't already out), jot in the notes, and plan your month in advance! You are welcome Canada!


November 5: Calgary suffers serious slush damage and car wash owners rejoice after mild temperatures turn the snowy city into a muddy, windowwasher fluid smelling paradise

November 7: Winnipeg, having not received neither the snowstorms for the west, nor rain from the east, drops to an overnight low of -25, just so mother nature can prove she hasn't forgotten about Winnipeg.

November 9: Residents of Victoria rejoice as the never ending rain stops for just enough time to put down their umbrellas, only to have a torrential pour start just as they have fastened that little button. Thousands get soaked.

November 10: Hockey Skates replace the automobile as the primary mode of transportation in Edmonton, as a melting and freezing cycle renders sanding trucks useless. Out of work Professional Hockey players start lucrative "skating rickshaw" service.

November 13: St. John's is buried by 3 feet of wet snow, which is washed away by cold atlantic rain, 3 times before supper.

November 15: Toronto hits a Long John Index of 1. Toronto's Mayor forgets to alert armed forces as he is too busy reading while driving to a football practice which is taking place during a city council meeting.

November 17: Quebec City drops to a Long John Index of 3. Residents flee into the Old City, as an internet rumour suggests the walls contain a rectractible roof. 

November 20: A meteorologist on a national news network confuses St. John's with Saint John, causing residents of both cities to dress inappropriately. 

November 22: Kelowna basks in +15 degree sunshine. Snarky boastful sun kissed relatives are hung up on in Alberta.

November 23: Sudbury contemplates leaving Ontario and joining Manitoba, since they recieve the same 2 feet of snow and Long John Index of 4 that Winnipeg is getting.

November 25: Residents of Saskatchewan watch their dogs chase a blizzard as it heads east for 3 days.

November 27: Edmontons bask in 5 days of cold temperatures, but with cloudless sunshine, lifting moods and spirits until they get snow in that gap around the ankles between the shoe and socks.

November 29: Alert, Top of Canada, hits -56 without the windchill. The Alert Timmies opens 20 minutes late.

November 30: Repairs to the Edmonton Electrical Grid are complete, as the Long Range Forecasto-Tron begins work on Forecasting December!

Want to see your hometown on the Long John Index?

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Normally we only do the Long John Index for Canada's major metropolitan areas, such as Moose Jaw, Green Gables, and Walter Gretzky's back yard, but we know many Canadians live in smaller towns! Thats why, every friday, we open up the phone lines, and let YOU request a location to be added to the Canada Wide Forecast! It's called the 'All Request Index'!! Send us a tweet, drop us a facebook comment, or leave a comment on the blog with the town or city, anywhere in Canada, or around the world, and we'll add it to the Canada Wide Forecast tomorrow! For Reals!

Happy Requesting!

Canada Wide Forecast - November 21, 2011

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Good News western canada! You survived a late week cold snap last week, and through the weekend, so it's going to get warmer, MUCH warmer for you! Bad News Eastern Canada, Its going to get colder, a WEE Colder for you this week! Today is like transition day as the west warms up, and the east cools down. Your Long Johns in Edmonton will work fine in Montreal today! Fairly even temperatures right across the country, Except for Inuvik, where the Long John Index is a 5!!

Your Canada Wide Forecast 

Vancouver, Calgary - NA
Kamlooped, Edmonton, Banff, Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose, Winnerpeg, Thunder (Danger) Bay, Sudbury, Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City - 1
Toronto, Fredericton, Halifax, Truro, Charlottetown, Green Gables, St. John's - NA
Iqaluit, Yellowknife - 3
Whitehorse- 4
Inuvik - 5
Alert, Top of Canada - 3