The Long John Index Service of Canada

Keeping Canadians Warm and Entertained since Mid to late October

Long Range Forecast-o-Tron: December 2013 PREDICTIONS

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The Long Range Forecast-O-Tron is back! Using sophisticated data analysis, predictive 3D 4D and 5D modelling, and consulting with various farmers at small town diners across the country, we predict what the weather will be like for Canada, in December 2013

December 1-7: Appears pretty fair across the country, and by fair, we mean a Long John Index of 2-3 for everything between Alberta and Timmins, and a 1 for everywhere else. For reasons not yet determined, Peterborough becomes Canada’s cold spot on December 5th, plunging to a Long John Index of 5, while it gets so warm in Ottawa the Prime Minister is spotted wearing shorts in the House of Commons.


December 8-15 - Canadians dreaming of a white christmas have their dreams answered 10 days early, as a huge snowfall blankets the country from Vancouver to St Johns. Believing the world is ending, many in the lower mainland flee to the mountains. Meanwhile, Winnipegers use the snow to their advantage and build a 200 story snow fort.


December 16-23 - Drycleaning bills in Calgary skyrocket as a chinook passes through, turning everything to slush, and runing everyones pants. Edmonton also experiences a chinook, only in Edmonton, Chinooks are called ‘e-Nooks’ and they make things colder and not warmer.

December 24-31 - Lovely holiday weather! Soft Magestic snowfalls provide the postcard industry with enough photos for 18 years, and PEI has it’s annual ‘Anne of Green Gables Charity Toboggan races’. Across the country, Canadians gather outside for festive new years celebrations, mumble “Auld Lang Syne” through frozen lips, then complain they are freezing while waiting for overcrowded busses to take them to the closest Timmies.