The Long John Index Service of Canada

Keeping Canadians Warm and Entertained since Mid to late October

Off Season Workouts Part 45 - Yup, We're Sellin Toques

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Your Taxpayer Dollars at work.
After half a dozen months of research, development, focus groups, debate and non animal testing, the tall foreheads here at the Long John Index have decided to sell the only thing that get this economy moving: LONG JOHN INDEX TOQUES. We have a concept drawing of what they will look like. Big thanks to the R&D Department for spending 5 weeks and $7 Million Dollars to come up with that Gem.

The toques will be available later this fall. Correction; seeing as how Fall lasts only a week, they will be available in early winter (Octoberish). We are also told we will be working in conjunction with those knee socked warriors at the Canadian Postal Service to deliver them straight to your door/roof/igloo.

We'll have more details as they become available! Also, We'll be announcing the results of all our 'Off Season Research' next week!

Enjoy your fall everybody! Don't blink! You'll miss it!

Wanna be interviewed by the Long John Index?

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No. Kermit does not work here. 

Now that the Canadian election is done, our bosses are back to work, which unfortunately that means WE must go back to work. We were unfortunately not able to convince the Ministers that finishing this 250,000 piece puzzle was vital to our National Long John Strategy. Instead, we are under orders to see what Canadians think about the weather, and report that information back to Canadians. Make sense? No? Of course not. This is the Government.

So what we are going to do is conduct a series of interviews with Canadians from non-Edmonton parts of Canada (if there is such a thing). We want to know what the Weather is like where YOU live! What can people expect if they come for a visit? At what temperature do YOU wear your Long Johns? Whats the craziest weather YOU've ever seen? That sort of thing. Heck we may even interview someone from Edmonton too, just for kicks!

We've already got some interview requests pending, but if you are interested in wasting a couple minutes of your work day, and are from a hilariously named town, hit us up on twitter or that 'Book of Faces' thing! We'll start posting the interviews on this blog in a couple weeks!

Thanks and happy hockey playoffs,

The Long John Index Service

April 14, 2011 - POLAR BEAR ALERT

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A Polar Bear Alert has been issued for the regions of: Edmonton, Calgary, Banff, Red Deer, 2 Hills, 3 Hills ( But not 4 Hills), Grande Prairie, and Drumheller. These regions will be experiencing blinding snow, which makes conditions perfect for polar bears to stealthily sneak up on people to stubborn to put on a touque and try to tuck their head into their collars of their spring coat. 

This alert will be maintained until 8pm Mountain time, or whenever the Canadiens game is over ( it may go into Overtime). It is advised that people in this region take extra percautions, including warm hats, hot chocolate, and be on the lookout for Polar Bears at all times. 

Off Season Workouts Part 1 - The Oreo Mountain

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We voted 99% in favour to adopting this as official office policy. The Prime Minister Vetoed it.

During the 'Long John Index Off-Season', occasionally we get asked to help out in other areas of the Government of Canada. So when the Department of 'Parks, Playgrounds, and other things Parents don't let their kids do anymore' came by to ask if we would assist in their annual Rockie Mountain Inspection, we did the only thing we could do: unplug the phone, turn off all the lights and hide, ever so quietly under the desks.

Unfortunately, one of the interns sneezed, and three hours later, we were packing up the office to head out to Jasper National Park to Inspect mountains. 300 hours of hiking, 900 pencils, 9300 litres of coffee and 7 cougar attacks later, we were back in the Home Office in Edmonton. We won't bore you with the details here, because they are classified as 'Top Secret', and visible only to several government departments, The Military, the Prime Minister's Office, and Gordon Lightfoot. However, we can say that there IS a Mountain in Jasper National Park, that is made entirely of Oreo Cookie.

The Rocky Mountain Inspection was a good time to get some reviews in, and we batted around the following ideas:

1. A Recommendation to the 'Canadian Weather Broadcasters Association du Canada' to describe Sunny as being 'Undercast', seeing as how Cloudy is described as 'Overcast'.
2. Another Recommendation to the 'Canadian Weather Broadcasters Association du Canada' to scrap forecasts all together, and describe weather forecasts as being 'Better' or 'Worse' than the day previous.
3.  Doubling the Long John Index Thresholds from 5 levels to 10, adding in extra thresholds for various windchills, in order to add more accuracy. Also looked at replacing numeric values all together, and replacing them with various smiley or frowny face emoticons, in order to appeal to Canadians of all languages (except Klingon. The line needs to be drawn somewhere).

We should point out that No major decisions regarding the Long John Index will be made in April. There will be lots of ideas floated around, improvements, suggestions, ways to make things worse etc. As always we would happily like your input, so if you have suggestions on how to make the Long John Index better or any other ideas when it comes to the weather, be sure to comment on the blog, or comment on that Facebook Page!

Happy Non Winter Holidays!

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Well friends, Spring/Summer is upon us, or at least, according to the Calendar (not according to the ground on the prairies). With Springy Summer, comes warmer temperatures, which means *sniff* people probably aren't going to be wearing Long Johns, which means most people probbbably won't be needing The Long John Index Service.

Of course you might think that all the staff are planning their Non Winters: and taking the weeks off to rest, golf, read trashy novels, and BBQ as many Hot Dogs as is legally allowed. YOU'D think that, but No!

As a $75 Billion Dollar a year department of the Canadian Government, We don't actually close the doors for the ENTIRE Non Wintery Season. There will still be much work behind the scenes, mostly reviews; Lots and Lots and Lots of Reviews. See the Long John Index is so busy Saving the Lives of Frost Bitten Canadians, that we need the summer to take a step back and review how things are done. We are planning ann overview of Long John Index, where we will review the effectiveness of the Index and its various widgets and permutations, and decide whether they can be improved. Maybe we'll start considering the Wind Chill when we do the Long John Index! Maybe it will be on a scale from 1-8 instead of 1-5! Maybe YOU, the informed Canadian, have some ideas, and maybe JUST Maybe, we'll even listen to them (Unlike those 'know it all' jerks at the UV Index, who think they're so big because they are listed in various weather news outlets).

In the mean time, The Long John Index will be on 'Standby Mode'. We'll definitely keep an eye on that grump Old Man Winter, and if something major happens within the next 4 months, we will do what we've always done: Alert Canadians in a clear and professional manner about what horrific danger they are in. Those will happen primarily over the Long John Index twitter feed, but if something really awesome happens, like Vancouver getting a Long John Index of 4, in JUNE, then not only will we post it here, but ambush the Weather Network and the CBC Weather Centre to report it.

The Long John Index WILL Return to full operation, in the fall of 2011. No time table is set, but once your legs start to get chilly, we'll be ready!

Have a great Non Wintery Season, and thanks to everyone for their support,

The Long John Index Service of Canada Staff

March 14, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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Judging by all lack of freezing temperatures, not many cities will have a Long John Index today

Cities where its still cold:

Fort MacMurray NFLD, Grande Prairie, Giant Nickel, Montreal, Quebec City, Halifax, Green Gables - 1
Goose Bay NFLD - 3
Iqaluit - 5
Whitehorse - 3
Yellowknife - 3
Inuvik - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 5

March 10, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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Only a handful of cities even HAVE an Long John Index today! Time to start practicing the old putter!

Vancouver, Kamlooped - NA
Edmonton - 1
Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray - 3
Saskatoon, Biggar, Jaw of Moose, Regina - NA
Winnerpeg - 1
Danger Bay, Windsor, Borough of Peters, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City, Moncton - NA
Green Gables, Halifax, St.John's - 1
Iqaluit, Whitehorse - 3
Inuvik - 4
Yellowknife, Alert, Top of Canada - 5

March 9, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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The Long John Index is going to look like Binary Code today: 100100101000100101110101

Vancouver, Kamlooped, Calgary - NA
Edmonton, Grande Prairie - 1
Fort McMurray NFLD - 3
Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose, Biggar - 3
Winterpeg - 1
Danger Bay, Giant Nickel, Stratford, Borough of Peters, Kingston, Toronto - NA
Ottawa - 1
Montreal - NA
Quebec City, Moncton, Halifax, Green Gables, St. John's - 1
Whitehorse - 3
Inuvik, Yellowknife, Iqaluit - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 5

Mar 8, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast!

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Your Powers are weakening old Man Winter! Leave the country alone....well except for Saskatchewan!

Kamlooped, Vancouver - NA
Edmonton, Calgary - 1
Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray NFLD - 3
Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose, Biggar, Winterpeg - 3
Danger Bay, Giant Nickel - 1
Centre of the Universe - NA
Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec, Moncton, Halifax, St Johns - NA
Green Gables - 1
Whitehorse, Yellowknife - 3
Iqaluit, Inuvik - 4
Alert Top of Canada - 5

March 7, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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Its Oatmeal day of Winter today. Not to hot, not to cold, but juuuuuust right.

Kamlooped, Vancouver - NA
Edmonton, Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray NFLD - 3
Calgary - 2
Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose, Biggar, Winterpeg - 3
Danger Bay, Giant Nickel, Borough of Peters, Toronton, Ottawa, Montreal Quebec City - 1
Moncton, Halifax, Green Gables, St. John's - NA
Whitehorse, Yellowknife, Invuik - 3
Iqaluit - 4
Alert, top of Canada - 5

March 4, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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Melty in Ontario today. Western and Maritime angst up 20%.

Vancouver, Kamlooped - NA
Edmonton, Calgary, Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray NFLD, Saskatoon, Regina, Biggar, Jaw of Moose, Winterpeg - 3
Danger Bay - 1
Giant Nickel, Borough of Peters, Toronto, Ottawa - NA
Montreal, Quebec City, Halifax, Moncton - 1
Green Gables - 2
St. John's - 1
Whitehorse - 3
Iqaluit, Inuvik, Yellowknife - 4
Alert. Top of Canada - 4

March 3, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

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Warmer on the Prairies, cooler everywhere else and VERY cold in the Maritimes. Chinookapalooza in Calgary! Giddyup!

Vancouver, Kamlooped - NA
Edmonton, Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray - 3
Calgary - NA
Saskatoon, Biggar, Jaw of Moose, Regina, Winterpeg - 3
Danger Bay, Giant Nickel, Borough of Peters, Toronto, Ottawa - 1
Montreal - 2
Quebec City - 3
Halifax - 2
Moncton, Green Gables - 3
St.Johns - NA
Whitehorse - 3
Iqaluit, Inuvik, Yellowknife - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 4

March 2, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast.

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Winter has decided to move the Prairies and never leave. The Long John Index offices may be open in June if this keeps up.

Vancouver, Kamlooped - NA
Edmonton, Grande Prairie - 4
Calgary, Fort McMurray NFLD - 3
Saskatoon, Biggar, Jaw of Moose, Regina - 4
Winterpeg - 3
Danger Bay - 3
Giant Nickel, Borough of Peters, Kingston, Windzor, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City, Halifax, Moncton, Green Gables, St. John's - 1
Whitehorse, Inuvik - 3
Yellowknife, Iqaluit - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 4

The Acceptable Workplace Touque Hair Limit

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The "Acceptable Workplace Touque Hair Limit" is the minimum temperature wherein "Touque Hair" becomes acceptable, BY LAW in any workplace in Canada. Once the "Acceptable Workplace Touque Hair Limit" has been reached, all citizens must be allowed perform his or her workplace duties, be they a teacher, judge, television news anchor, or politician, regardless of whether or not they suffer from "Touque Hair", and cannot be disciplined, reprimanded in any way shape or form.

The "Acceptable Workplace Touque Hair Limit" is set by the provinces and territories and is as follows:

Albert, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut -25 C
Western Ontario: -17.5 C
Southern Ontario: -8 C
Quebec: -20 C
Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador: -19 C
British Columbia: +2

Employers who discipline or reprimand employees for hair related offenses when the "Acceptable Workplace Touque Hair Limit" has been reached can be charged under "Her Majesty's Criminal Code of the Dominion of Canada" and are subject to fines in excess of $300,000 and/or having their own individual touque privileges revoked.